Gratitude. Even When It's Hard.

 This has been an exhausting week. I am absolutely drained. I don't say this to get sympathy. I don't say this to get comments that are uplifting - though I wouldn't turn those away either! I don't even say this to get prayer (but again, I DEFINITELY would NOT turn that away). I say this to say - can you relate? 

Can you relate to having a week where everything seems to be draining you. Can you relate to feeling lost? Can you relate to feeling weak? Can you relate to feeling anxious? And maybe it's not just a week. Maybe it's been weeks, months, or years even. 

There is a worship song that I have been playing this last week on repeat. The first time I heard it was one of the last times I stepped foot in the sanctuary as Pastor Nichole for Generations Community Church. It was an intentional worship night that our worship pastor had put on. It was quite possibly the last song that he played and I sat at the back of the sanctuary and just wept. The love I had and still do have for that community was so strong and it stung to be walking away from it into the unknown. Granted, I knew I was walking into another ministry position - but it was all new and a big change. 

Then I walked into a new season this last fall as just "mom". In some sense I took off my "pastor hat" and put it on the shelf for a while. This brought even stronger feelings of unknown, some excitement, anxiety, stress, and more. 

As I walked into last week our middle child complained of a pain behind his leg. I just assumed he had cut it or had a charlie horse the way he was describing it in the car. It wasn't until that night as we were getting ready for bed that I checked and found a massive, what we would later find out, abscess on the back of his leg. We promptly went to the doctor the next day. Antibiotics were started, but by day 3 it was clear they were not working. 

I should probably note that I would be lying if I didn't think the worse before finding out it truly was cellulitis and an abscess. My mom mind went to the absolute worst possible scenario. Perhaps I was preparing myself just in case. 

By the end of last week I realized that we were in big trouble for that week financially. I moved things around, but still by Sunday we were looking at only $2 left in the account and no way to buy any more food. I wept in my car on Friday and asked God for a miracle. I also listened to that worship song I was talking about. 

By Saturday God had provided the Costco kickback check and so were able to get groceries. By Sunday God answered very clearly that we needed to take Wylder to the Children's Hospital and he had to get his abscess drained. He is finally doing much better. 

I am exhausted. I am still struggling to trust God in certain areas - mainly finances. But, also in ministry - in part because I know I am ready to get back to it, but have NO idea where and when or how. 

But. 

I have gratitude. I have gratitude because God is faithful and has proven to me time and time again that His promises are always yes. God is loving and near me and my family. 

The song?

Gratitude.

"So I throw up my hands and praise you again and again. Cause all that I have is a hallelujah. Hallelujah. And I know it's not much. But I've nothing else fit for a King. Except for a heart singing hallelujah. Hallelujah." 


In the moments where I have felt so unsure. In the moments where I have felt wonderful. In my anxious moments. In my moments where I question everything. In moments where I find joy. I have nothing else but to praise my God. I have nothing else but a hallelujah. 


God is faithful. God is faithful. God is faithful. 


Did you need to hear that today? I needed it today. I needed it this last week. I need it for my future and my families future. I am sitting in a season of uncertainty and I know that all I need is to know that God loves me, is faithful to me, has called me, and in this season of waiting (which I hate) I will throw up my hands and sing hallelujah. I will sit in His presence. He is good. 

Maybe. Just maybe - today - you need to just sit in His presence. Sing praises to Him. He loves you. He has a purpose and a plan for you. He is faithful and will be near you especially in the hard moments. Especially in the uncertainty. 

My prayers are for you. Whoever you are. My prayers are that of the same for me. That you would rest in His presence. That the Holy Spirit would guide you. That you would find peace and assurance in the love, grace, and faithfulness of Jesus Christ. 

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